Outside of family and some friends not many know that Robby and I were pregnant with our fifth child. I say were because on Monday, at my 12 week OB appointment, we received the devastating news that our baby's heart had stopped beating just days before. It's amazing how one moment can make your life so different. In that one space of time - something changes dramatically. It happens in high and low moments - but just moments nonetheless.
While we have had one other miscarriage in the past - one that was very early on - I have never know a grief like this. Yesterday was a dark day for me. I was almost consumed in my despair. All I knew to do was pray for the Lord to heal my broken heart, to show me the way to the other side; knowing I wouldn't get there with much speed. Yet as I rocked Joshua to sleep tonight - somehow I began to see the ways the Lord gives me his love and strength.
It's in the solid wall of my husband's chest as he holds me when I'm sobbing so hard I can barely breath. He is unfailing. If I need - he provides for me - above all emotionally with love and support and prayer. He guides me to seek comfort through my faith - knowing it's what's needed.
It's in the snuggles from my children, knowing only that their mommy hurts, they sit with me and tell me in their sweet voices that it will be okay.
It's in the immediate response from my mom to come and hold me and just sit and share my sorrow.
It's in the surprise roses from my sister and her words of encouragement and empathy.
It's in the visit from my dad, step mom and youngest sister. Just to sit and talk with me, bring dinner and help lighten my heart with laughter.
It's in the soothing voice of my mother in law as she calls and offers her sympathy and love.
It's in the voice of my best friend who shares my grief and guides me through with knowledge of what to expect.
It's in the friend from church - who I've just begun to know. She offers to come sit with me, to care for my children so that Robby and I can weather this storm together. She seeks out the information and resources I need to understand what will come in the weeks ahead and offers kindness and wisdom that help light the way.
It's in my friend that lovingly offers to be a part of my mourning or any celebration of life we choose to have. To fill my marble jar.
It's in the gift sent from my work family with thoughts to brighten my spirits along with a simple note that says: "We love you"
There is a hole in my heart right now. I cannot begin to understand why this was a part of God's plan for us or for this baby. There are hard days ahead as this pregnancy resolves itself. But I see that he does not leave me lacking in what I need. Through all of these simple things, the Lord provides the balm to my wound. The loving arms and words of those around me act as bandage to my heart - they will help hold it together until it is whole on its own. I am rich beyond measure in my blessings - and grateful beyond words.
With moments in your life like this - at least for me - there always seem to be blessings on the other side. The Lord finds ways to remind me that he knows the plan for my life - that I just have to trust him enough to get to those blessings and graces he has for me.
Another dear friend sent me these words today, and how appropriate they are: "In knowing I am loved by You, almighty God, my heart trusts You to guide me."
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