Outside of family and some friends not many know that Robby and I were pregnant with our fifth child. I say were because on Monday, at my 12 week OB appointment, we received the devastating news that our baby's heart had stopped beating just days before. It's amazing how one moment can make your life so different. In that one space of time - something changes dramatically. It happens in high and low moments - but just moments nonetheless.
While we have had one other miscarriage in the past - one that was very early on - I have never know a grief like this. Yesterday was a dark day for me. I was almost consumed in my despair. All I knew to do was pray for the Lord to heal my broken heart, to show me the way to the other side; knowing I wouldn't get there with much speed. Yet as I rocked Joshua to sleep tonight - somehow I began to see the ways the Lord gives me his love and strength.
It's in the solid wall of my husband's chest as he holds me when I'm sobbing so hard I can barely breath. He is unfailing. If I need - he provides for me - above all emotionally with love and support and prayer. He guides me to seek comfort through my faith - knowing it's what's needed.
It's in the snuggles from my children, knowing only that their mommy hurts, they sit with me and tell me in their sweet voices that it will be okay.
It's in the immediate response from my mom to come and hold me and just sit and share my sorrow.
It's in the surprise roses from my sister and her words of encouragement and empathy.
It's in the visit from my dad, step mom and youngest sister. Just to sit and talk with me, bring dinner and help lighten my heart with laughter.
It's in the soothing voice of my mother in law as she calls and offers her sympathy and love.
It's in the voice of my best friend who shares my grief and guides me through with knowledge of what to expect.
It's in the friend from church - who I've just begun to know. She offers to come sit with me, to care for my children so that Robby and I can weather this storm together. She seeks out the information and resources I need to understand what will come in the weeks ahead and offers kindness and wisdom that help light the way.
It's in my friend that lovingly offers to be a part of my mourning or any celebration of life we choose to have. To fill my marble jar.
It's in the gift sent from my work family with thoughts to brighten my spirits along with a simple note that says: "We love you"
There is a hole in my heart right now. I cannot begin to understand why this was a part of God's plan for us or for this baby. There are hard days ahead as this pregnancy resolves itself. But I see that he does not leave me lacking in what I need. Through all of these simple things, the Lord provides the balm to my wound. The loving arms and words of those around me act as bandage to my heart - they will help hold it together until it is whole on its own. I am rich beyond measure in my blessings - and grateful beyond words.
With moments in your life like this - at least for me - there always seem to be blessings on the other side. The Lord finds ways to remind me that he knows the plan for my life - that I just have to trust him enough to get to those blessings and graces he has for me.
Another dear friend sent me these words today, and how appropriate they are: "In knowing I am loved by You, almighty God, my heart trusts You to guide me."
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
She's Gone Crunchy
I'm skipping over the "I haven't posted in so long" stuff - life happens. I'm just jumping in to whatever is striking my fancy. This post has been on my mind for a while now......musings about how I've changed as a mom between Emma (almost 8) and Josh (just turned 1). We have recently made the switch to cloth diapers, Josh and I are practicing extended nursing (something I haven't done with my other kids), we're venturing into the world of more natural and holistic medicine. I made a comment to Robby the other day - that I've gotten "crunchier" with each kid we have. That in turn got me thinking about what "crunchy" really means. And what that transition means......
For me, being a wife and a mom is not my job; it's my vocation. The life to which the Lord calls me and gives me purpose and direction to live as He wills. I have a job - I'm a banker currently. A vocation is vastly different to my mind. It's what matters. There are others that have different or additional vocations. I have a new friend that is called to be a healer. She's a wonderful mother and I believe this is a vocation for her as well, but she also is called to guide others towards improving their overall well being. I know without a doubt that the Lord has called her to that vocation. She is part of the reason for this post. I have begun to look at mothering in a new way - being a mom of 4 kids you're bound to pick up a few tips and tricks along the way - but this is more. For me this is a return to the art of mothering. This is a new-found trust in the instinctual and elemental. God intended for Eve to be a mother - he gave her what she needed to succeed in this role. There were no books, no websites, no gadgets, no conveniences. There was only a woman and her children and the need to raise strong, whole, Godly people. (We'll leave Cain out of this - I guess the best laid plans go awry even for the first mom of humanity)
Which for me leads to the question: why do we allow this modern, commercial world to convince us that we cannot mother as we are instinctually led to? Why is the switch to a more natural way now called "crunchy"? I'm not really talking about cloth diapers or formula or what have you. How you contain your child's bum has no actual bearing on your mothering skills and I know there to be a very real need for formula. I'm speaking of the trust in ourselves to raise strong, whole, Godly children with the full support of the "village" around us. Instead of encouragement of our natural gifts and abilities we tell other moms "Oh you'll give that up" "Oh you won't do that for long." "Oh, that's not convenient - you'll do whatever is easiest." We're told we don't know how to birth our children, that we don't make enough milk, that our babies need to read at 1, that we need to take our kids on some expensive vacation for them to give us the time of day and drop their cell phones for an instant. You can't even have more than 2 kids these days because any more than that is inconvenient. 3 kids is considered a large family. Most people think Robby and I are psychotic for having 4. I've heard everything from "Don't you know what causes that!" (as though it's a preventable disease or I'm a complete imbecile) to "Don't you want to do anything else with your time?" Never mind that having children brings me tremendous joy, that I want the number of children I have (and more!). No no, there must be something wrong with me. I can't tell you the number of people that have told me I'm crazy to my face. It used to be considered inappropriate to call people names.
I have fallen into this trust of the status quo myself. Most most recently I have begun to take a hard look at the choices I make in the healthcare of my kids. I love our pediatrician. I choose to vaccinate our kids. I am by no means saying that modern medicine has no place. But I have begun to realize that I am just as important medically to my kids as any doctor. I must question, I must become an active participant, I must be willing to trust my instincts and give the natural a chance. I have done so in the last 6 months and been amazed at the results.
It as led me to the question of what else needs further inspection. The answer will be for another post I suppose..... Hopefully It's not a year from now. Oh well, life happens.
For me, being a wife and a mom is not my job; it's my vocation. The life to which the Lord calls me and gives me purpose and direction to live as He wills. I have a job - I'm a banker currently. A vocation is vastly different to my mind. It's what matters. There are others that have different or additional vocations. I have a new friend that is called to be a healer. She's a wonderful mother and I believe this is a vocation for her as well, but she also is called to guide others towards improving their overall well being. I know without a doubt that the Lord has called her to that vocation. She is part of the reason for this post. I have begun to look at mothering in a new way - being a mom of 4 kids you're bound to pick up a few tips and tricks along the way - but this is more. For me this is a return to the art of mothering. This is a new-found trust in the instinctual and elemental. God intended for Eve to be a mother - he gave her what she needed to succeed in this role. There were no books, no websites, no gadgets, no conveniences. There was only a woman and her children and the need to raise strong, whole, Godly people. (We'll leave Cain out of this - I guess the best laid plans go awry even for the first mom of humanity)
Which for me leads to the question: why do we allow this modern, commercial world to convince us that we cannot mother as we are instinctually led to? Why is the switch to a more natural way now called "crunchy"? I'm not really talking about cloth diapers or formula or what have you. How you contain your child's bum has no actual bearing on your mothering skills and I know there to be a very real need for formula. I'm speaking of the trust in ourselves to raise strong, whole, Godly children with the full support of the "village" around us. Instead of encouragement of our natural gifts and abilities we tell other moms "Oh you'll give that up" "Oh you won't do that for long." "Oh, that's not convenient - you'll do whatever is easiest." We're told we don't know how to birth our children, that we don't make enough milk, that our babies need to read at 1, that we need to take our kids on some expensive vacation for them to give us the time of day and drop their cell phones for an instant. You can't even have more than 2 kids these days because any more than that is inconvenient. 3 kids is considered a large family. Most people think Robby and I are psychotic for having 4. I've heard everything from "Don't you know what causes that!" (as though it's a preventable disease or I'm a complete imbecile) to "Don't you want to do anything else with your time?" Never mind that having children brings me tremendous joy, that I want the number of children I have (and more!). No no, there must be something wrong with me. I can't tell you the number of people that have told me I'm crazy to my face. It used to be considered inappropriate to call people names.
I have fallen into this trust of the status quo myself. Most most recently I have begun to take a hard look at the choices I make in the healthcare of my kids. I love our pediatrician. I choose to vaccinate our kids. I am by no means saying that modern medicine has no place. But I have begun to realize that I am just as important medically to my kids as any doctor. I must question, I must become an active participant, I must be willing to trust my instincts and give the natural a chance. I have done so in the last 6 months and been amazed at the results.
It as led me to the question of what else needs further inspection. The answer will be for another post I suppose..... Hopefully It's not a year from now. Oh well, life happens.
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